I've wondered many times in the past several weeks, "If I COULD get online and blog...WHAT would I write and share?"
I've always thought of myself as a realist. I've never thought of myself as a pessimist, yet when I think of things to share, it tends to be what most would think of as negative. I always want to share what life is really like. What I am really thinking and struggling with. Areas that I desperately need to grow in. I want to share my weaknesses, my tainted thinking...my sin. Why? I'm not sure.
Perhaps because I tire of reading things written in our age so full of fluff and flowery words, yet lacking in the realities of everyday grit and grime of life that we all live in. Do we not all need to know that we all struggle with ourselves? None of us have arrived or become "Mrs Beaver"...she doesn't exist.
I love it here in Belize. I am amazed everyday that we are here, and that God has placed us in this area of service. I love birds and nature...and I see beautiful plant life all around me, I discover new birds everyday. How wonderful that God, knowing what I enjoy, placed me here.
And yet...I struggle.
I struggle with not being annoyed...with my children being infested with lice twice in 3 weeks. It is a lot of work to do all of that wash and wash all of their heads, then pull out the nits and the eggs in a 24 hour period. Only to hear a mother explain to me that she knows when children have lice because when it gets hot..."the lice just fall out of their heads and you see them on their shoulders." (that is dandruff...lice do not just "fall out") Can I still love and hold these children unconditionally....knowing all the work that is ahead if we get lice another time? I am poorly lacking in my Christlikeness.
I love my house, I love where we live. It is a peaceful place with a large yard, beautiful scenery and it is quiet.
And yet I struggle.
I struggle with wanting my peaceful home to myself. When the neighbor kids come screaming and playing in our backyard, do I smile to myself that these children love playing with my children in our yard, or do I get frustrated that my peace has been interrupted? When they walk into my house to say hello, and play with our children's toys...am I accepting and loving or upset because they didn't even knock...they just walked right in?
Our church is growing...God is blessing this ministry each and every week. Many adults are coming, and the children love church too. Even though we have services in a tractor barn, completely opened and exposed to bugs, ants, flies, mosquito's etc...the people don't seem to even mind, so why should I? The spirit is great, the people are excited and so am I. The bugs really don't bother me much anymore...and yet I struggle.
Each week there is a new dilema. Sometimes the bus won't run. The brakes go out. The van window was shattered. Stealing was last week, when someone went to the barn and stole some chairs. Before it was a water container...there has also been diesel stolen from the bus. And yet God is blessing, so it is He that gives us joy to continue.
We've dealt with ant nests in our house. Scorpions and tarantulas. Lice. Ellie now has a staph boil. They are very contagious, and there isn't much in the way of medicine down here to treat them. Again, I am amazed at the goodness of my God to lead me here to be with another family, who just happens to have some medicine for staph boils. I really see that as God providing and loving us.
To me, I am excited to see God working each day. The way that God chooses to work each day in my life is up to Him. I am excited to just see that He IS working. If He chooses to show Himself to me by providing medicine for a boil, that I never even knew would come, well Praise the Lord...His hand is here. He may choose to show Himself by allowing a teenager to come to church...when her Dad said she couldn't for 3 months. It is an amazing thing to know that God is with you "right now" (Belizean saying).
And my struggles? They are real, and I am faced each day with disciplining my mind to think right. To love others. To be Christlike, and to please HIM with my life. Isn't that what we all struggle with?